


Tears

by serenesavagery (windrunnerdreamer)



Series: Adolin Speardancer and Kaladin Kholin [7]
Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-23 22:17:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21327562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windrunnerdreamer/pseuds/serenesavagery
Summary: Kaladin could forgive his father for many things.Making his mother cry wasn't one of them.
Series: Adolin Speardancer and Kaladin Kholin [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1527470
Comments: 10
Kudos: 29





	Tears

The first time Kaladin saw his mother cry herself to sleep, he was two and Renarin was just a baby. 

He hadn't seen a whole lot of people crying. When he reflected on this later, he had to go with the assumption that the Alethi had traded their emotions for extreme stupidity. 

(And so he was a stupid Alethi himself, Shallan had said dryly, in the light of this comment.)

(Renarin hadn't been able to stop laughing at this comment Kaladin had made.) 

** _Kaladin, at 2 years old:_ **

Kaladin was giggling as he ran into his room. Cousin Jasnah hadn't been able to find where he had been hiding in the library, and he was happy. 

Now, he was hungry and he wanted to see if Mother would tell him a story. Maybe about spren this time? 

Kaladin liked it when Mother told him stories in her language. Her voice sounded pretty when she told him about the strange and weird and pretty things. 

He walked to his room, hoping Mother would be there, sewing like always. 

Instead, he heard some strange noises- like weird breathing. 

Kaladin frowned and went inside. 

His mother was sitting on the bed, crying and was hiding her face with her hands. 

Kaladin opened his mouth wide in surprise and ran up to her, nearly tripping himself. 

"Mommy!" Kaladin shouted, anxiously touching her knee repeatedly so that she could see him. 

His mother _never _cried. Never. She'd always tell _him_ not to cry.

Why was Mother crying? It didn't make any sense! Mother wasn't supposed to cry- she was supposed to be happy, nice and...

His mother looked at him, her eyes a bad shade of red and her face sad. "Kal...?" 

"Mama!" 

His mother's eyes became big. "Oh, Kal, darling..." 

"Why were you crying?" Kaladin asked, holding his mother's hand tightly. 

"Oh, dear, I wasn't crying-" 

"But, Mama...you _were_." Kaladin said seriously, scared.

His mother looked sadder than before and she hugged him slowly. Like really slowly. 

"Mama?" Kaladin whispered, still scared. 

"It's okay. Mama was just...tired, darling. It's okay." 

Kaladin frowned, wanting to cry. But he couldn't. Mama was always sad whenever he cried. 

Maybe she didn't want to tell him, like how he didn't want to tell Aunt Navani he was crying because he fell down. 

But then...what hurt Mama? 

He could feel her tears on his shirt, and Kaladin wanted to scream, throw a fuss, something. 

He wanted to know why his mother was crying. 

His mother kissed his cheek. She couldn't do that outside because then, people would be mean to her. 

The lights went on in little Kaladin's brain. "Mama?" 

"Yes, dear?" 

"Was somebody mean to you?" Kaladin asked, pulling back and looking at her. 

His mother became like a toy, not moving. "Kaladin, it was nothing, dear. I was just tired." She said, rubbing his head. 

Kaladin folded his arms. He saw the big soldiers doing that when they became serious. "Mama, you can tell me if someone's mean to you. I'll tell 'em!" He said. He wasn't pouting, he wasn't.

His mother laughed a little and Kaladin cheered up. 

But he never forgot. 

_ **Kaladin, at 4 years old: ** _

Kaladin didn't know if he should like his father or not. 

_"Afraid of me?" _

_Kaladin frowned. "Why should I be?" _

_His father widened his eyes, before smiling. "I am a very dangerous man." _

_Kaladin shrugged. "You're my father. Should I be scared of you?" _

_His father chuckled, ruffling his hair. "Wisely spoken. Where's your brother?" _

_"Over there. Do you want to see him?" Kaladin asked, pointing to Renarin playing with grass. _

_Father's smile became smaller. "Later, son. I'll need to talk to your mother now." _

_Kaladin frowned again. "But.....Renarin doesn't-" _

_Know who you are and wanted to see you, Kaladin wants to say but he couldn't. _

_Father had started walking away with Mother. _

His father didn't even look at Renarin, Kaladin reflected, with a frown on his face. 

These days, he didn't know when, he had to frown otherwise the other ladies would keep giggling at his mother like idiots. 

But sometimes, Kaladin didn't have to frown but he felt like he should. 

Point was, Kaladin was making people say that he frowned more than what was the norm for young children. 

Not that Kaladin understood what they were saying. He frowned because he had to. And because some people were annoying. 

Kaladin shrugged. Sitting on a railing with hunched shoulders wasn't good posture. Jumping down, he set off to go back for dinner. 

Kaladin always slept with his mother. So did Renarin. Though Kaladin would always sing something to him for him to sleep, but yeah. Renarin slept with them too. 

Tonight, Kaladin woke up in the middle of the night, hearing familiar noises. 

His mother was crying again. 

Kaladin sat up straight at this, and he scooted over, hugging his mother. 

"Mommy." Kaladin whispered, trying not to cry. 

He tried to perch himself on her back, scrambling up a little higher on her back and clinging on to her shoulders. 

His mother turned to look at him, and she smiled slightly. 

"Kaladin, dear?" 

"Mommy, you were crying again. Did Father say something?" Kaladin blurted out, frowning. 

Mother looked a little tired. "No, dear. D-Daddy...didn't say anything." 

"Then _why_ were you crying?" Kaladin asked softly, shutting his eyes so he didn't cry. 

"I-" 

"I know you were crying, Mommy. Mommy, please don't cry. Please. It's gonna be all right." Kaladin said blindly, not knowing what to really say. 

He only knew this was what his mother told Renarin whenever those other mean kids bullied him. 

He could feel his mother crying again but this time he made his way over to her lap and hugged her fiercely, wishing he was big enough to protect her from whatever Voidbringer that made her cry. 

_ **Kaladin, 10 years old: ** _

Kaladin started hating his father when he was ten. 

His mother had been at the spanreeds this time, and it was late evening. 

Kaladin had put Renarin to sleep once again, as his mother had been talking to their father. 

Mishim shone on them, not that Kaladin cared. Nor did he bother to greet his father. 

His mother had only sighed and went on writing. 

Kaladin now frowned, his mother pausing at something Dalinar had written. 

Her hand shook terribly and Kaladin stood up straight, alarmed. 

Evi blinked once or twice, swallowing before breathing out raggedly. 

"Mother?" Kaladin asked, on guard. 

Evi shook her head. "It's nothing, Kaladin." She said, her voice shaky. 

"Mother, clearly-" 

"Please go to bed." 

Kaladin sighed but he went to bed, glancing at his mother in concern. 

Kaladin didn't sleep well that night, even as Renarin held on to him tightly, breathing comfortably. 

He heard the sound of the door opening and closed his eyes in alarm, hearing his mother's footsteps. 

His eyes didn't remain closed for long however- because along with her footsteps, he heard her crying. 

And talking. 

_**"I learn the language, it is not enough. I read their scriptures, it is not enough. Whatever I do, it is not enough, never enough for them. What will be then?" **_Evi sobbed quietly to herself and Kaladin narrowed his eyes, trying to puzzle out what this all meant. 

His mother had been talking to his father. 

She spoke of not being enough. 

But for whom? His father? 

Kaladin's eyes were wide open. Thankfully, his mother had gone to sleep, sniffing quietly. 

Did....did his father think his mother wasn't enough? 

But in what way, the little child thought in amazement, was his beautiful mother not enough? 

She was the most beautiful woman he knew. 

She was the kindest and gentlest woman he knew. 

How could that not be enough? 

Kaladin clenched his fist. 

His father was an idiot. One of the ten fools, even. 

_ **Kaladin, 13 years old: ** _

His mother cried every night these days, though she became the perfect Alethi woman in front of others. 

He knew this because he overheard a coversation between Brightlady Navani (she was not his aunt, storm you) and Brightlady Sadeas. 

_"Evi's changing for the better, isn't she?" _

_"I liked it more when she was innocent- there is something about her now that is still captivating though. I envy Dalinar." _

_"Well, your strange comments aside, she should be able to fit in now." _

_Kaladin resisted the urge to strangle both of them and scream obscenities. _

Kaladin had to take care of both his mother and Renarin now- since a certain _somebody _couldn't be bothered to come home when it counted. 

It only filled him with more vitriol against his father. 

Some legend his father was. Stupid man couldn't even look after his family. 

"Do you have to glare at the lever like that?" Dalinar now asked him, sighing. 

"Considering that you would ask me more questions if I glared at you, I prefer to glare at the lever. Moreover, I tire of looking at your face." Kaladin said dryly. 

"Where in storms did you learn to talk like that?" Dalinar asked, rubbing his head. 

"Certainly not from you." Kaladin said, smiling sarcastically. 

"That's why I'm asking." Dalinar said, narrowing his eyes. 

"Ah, Father. It's not that refreshing to see your face in what I must say, two years?" 

Dalinar froze. Kaladin smirked. 

"Listen-" Dalinar started, but he looked lost. Confused.

"**_Viim cachi eko, _**Kaladin Kholin! Where is your coat?!" 

Kaladin froze at the sight of his very annoyed mother, and Dalinar snorted. "Yes son. Where is your coat?" Dalinar asked, snidely. 

"Certainly nowhere that you'd know." Kaladin snapped, grimacing at his mother glaring at him. 

"Kaladin, don't you talk to your father like that!" Evi snapped, and Kaladin winced, a singular shamespren falling on his foot. 

Dalinar seemed to take pity on his son. "It's fine. He's just a kid, Evi. I'm pretty sure I was ruder than that." He said, clapping Kaladin's shoulder. 

Kaladin thinks he went cross eyed, from the way he narrowed his eyes and turns to look at his father. 

He has to stop himself from gaping because the sight of his father before him right now, hadn't been one he had considered beforehand. 

His father is smiling slightly, and his eyes are light and warm with nostalgia and amusement. 

Kaladin grits his jaw. _He still doesn't talk to Renarin, _Kaladin thinks to himself. 

_He's the reason Mother cries herself to sleep..._

But now...

Now he can see where his mother's belief in his father comes from. 

Could...could his father change for the better? 

Possibly? 

For the first time in six years, Kaladin feels a sliver of hope trickle down him. 

"Kaladin." 

He jumps, and looks sheepishly at his mother. "Mother?" He asks meekly. 

His mother is rubbing her forehead, but the ever present glimmer of fondness in her eyes and face hasn't dissipated. "Apologize to your father." 

Kaladin nods, before turning to his father, who only stops him by raising one hand. 

"Hey, no worries. Backtalk actually comes in pretty handy. Shows you've got a lot of attitude." Dalinar says, grinning slightly. 

"Mother's right. I should still apologize either way. Sorry, Father." Kaladin says, facing his father head on. 

Dalinar shrugged, but his eyes never lost that warm light. "That's okay, Kaladin. I think Teleb wants to show you something." 

Kaladin narrowed his eyes suspiciously, well aware of what his father was trying to do, but he did like Teleb. Teleb always had good advice. 

He then looked at his mother in concern and she chuckled slightly. "Go, Kaladin." 

Kaladin nodded stiffly, walking out to greet Teleb, who had a grin on his usually stern face. 

"Ready for archery?" 

Kaladin nodded, eager. 

A good half hour later, Kaladin heard the tell tale sound of his mother sniffing and his father stomping out of the tent. 

He threw down his bow in a fury, angerspren pooling around him. 

Teleb only sighed, as Kaladin, furious, ran out to see his father. 

"_Father_!" Kaladin barked out, angered. 

Dalinar stopped in surprise before turning and glaring at Kaladin. 

"What do you want?" Dalinar asked shortly. 

Kaladin clenched his fists, tears in his eyes. 

_Just...just...just when I thought you'd actually be a storming father for once- _

He wanted to scream, howl, anything. 

"How _could _you?" Kaladin instead choked out, shaking. 

Dalinar narrowed his eyes. "How could I what?" 

Kaladin shook his head frantically, disbelieving. "You made Mother storming _cry_! What do you _want _from her, _Stormfather_?!" Kaladin cried out, trying his hardest not to cry. The strain of it was difficult- his words came out in phrases, and his throat was choked up. 

He knew he was swearing, he was. He couldn't help it, the words came out in torrents and he wasn't thinking clearly as Jasnah had often told him to. 

He couldn't think clearly. 

Dalinar widened his eyes, his jaw dropping a little. 

"What is it? You want her to come along with you and leave my brother?! Storms, do you even know Renarin _exists_? What do you _want, stormwinds?!_" Kaladin screamed, crying openly now. 

He wasn't finished. He storming wasn't. 

"Do you, do you know she cries herself to sleep evey night?" Kaladin asked, his voice hoarse and low. 

Dalinar grit his jaw but Kaladin only soldiered on. 

"Do you know the other women think of her as clay, to be molded as they wish? Do you know how hard, how storming _hard, _she tries to be Alethi? Do you know they make her feel _stupid_ for all that they are short sighted?! Do _YOU?!" _

Kaladin had screamed himself hoarse- soldiers were muttering amongst themselves now, and he had to pant. 

"Stop making a fool of yourself. This isn't how a soldier acts. What goes on between your mother and I is none of your business." Dalinar said, cold and curt. 

Kaladin laughed and it wasn't a happy sound. His laughs came out spastic and short, broken. 

"That's all you care about, Father. Being a soldier. No. Being a _killer_. That's all you think about. Not your family. You care about taking lives that were never yours to begin with." Kaladin whispered, tears stinging his eyes and hiccupping. 

"_Leave_!" Dalinar roared, angerspren boiling at his feet. 

Kaladin rubbed his eyes. "Tomorrow. Today you'll have to suffer me, Father. I'm sorry. My apologies." He said quickly in a wobbly voice, walking away. 

With that, he trudged away to his tent. Teleb was waiting for him. 

"I'm sorry, son." Teleb whispered and Kaladin shook his head. 

"It's okay." Kaladin whispered, going back inside an empty tent, so his mother wouldn't have to see him cry. 

Teleb followed, and he held Kaladin as the young boy sobbed. 

Sobbed about a father who cared about nothing except killing scores of innocents. 

Sobbed about a mother who lived among the dead. 

Sobbed about a son forgotten by his father. 

"_Why_? Why Teleb? Why is Father like this?" Kaladin sobbed out, hiccuping again. 

Teleb sighed. 

"I don't know...Kaladin." 

Kaladin rubbed his knuckles into his eyes. 

"Storms, I forget you're only thirteen. You hold yourself like an adult. It's times like these I remember you're thirteen." Teleb said, chuckling as he rubbed Kaladin's eyes. 

"I don't feel it." Kaladin said honestly, looking down. 

Time felt like water, a sea. It crashed onto you, sometimes rippled, but otherwise, was as it is. 

Teleb ruffled his hair. "Why don't you sleep with your mother, tonight? It's the last night you're staying here, right?" 

Kaladin nodded, sniffing. "Yeah. I go back to Kholinar tomorrow. But...I don't want to leave Mother." He said quietly. 

Teleb smiled. "She'll be safe. Don't worry." 

_ **Next day: ** _

Kaladin stares mournfully at the carriage. 

"Do I have to go?" He asks in a small voice, to no one in particular, the wind blowing past him. 

His mother had rushed inside the tent after realizing she had forgot to burn a few glyphs. 

Kaladin didn't really care about glyphs, but as long as she was content, he didn't care. 

The smell of incense nearby comforted him, and he breathed in deeply before exhaling, repeating it. 

"Ah, Kaladin dear, I am so sorry! I just forgot to burn them." His mother calls out from behind and Kaladin only smiles slightly. 

"That's all right, Mother. I wouldn't leave without seeing you anyway." Kaladin says, laughing a little, turning back to see his mother frantically placing a few glyphs on a wooden platform. 

He steps closer, the sight of his mother's script resembling a friendly face, recognising the glyphs. 

_Safety. Love. Hope. _

"Safety. Love. Hope." He repeats to himself, and his mother smiles even as she burns them. 

"You learnt them much quicker than I did, dear." She said, her face bright as she chuckled. 

Kaladin shrugs, hands in pockets, flushing from the compliment. 

The glyphs are burnt, and his mother turns to face him, her smile bright. 

She looks at him fondly. "Thirteen and you're already at my shoulders. Where will you be when you are twenty, young man?" 

Kaladin rubs the back of his neck. "Possibly a tower, towering over everyone." 

His mother laughs. "You do realize that isn't a very good joke." 

Kaladin grins. "It made you laugh, Mother." 

His mother giggles, rubbing his head. "Because I am your mother, dearest, and whatever you do gives me joy. Even if they consist of jokes so bad _I _can see through them." 

Kaladin frowns a little as he always does when his mother is self disparaging. "Mother." 

His mother breathes out in amusement. "Yes?" She says teasingly. 

Kaladin frowns to the side. "You shouldn't put yourself down so much. You're the most amazing woman I've known." He says quietly. 

His mother's smile is a little sad. "Kaladin...come here." 

He obliges and she hugs him. He breathes in sharply, at the comforting smell of incense, flowers and whatever made his mother _her_. 

He hugs her back fiercely. "Mother, please don't let Father talk to you so." He whispers pleadingly, looking up at her. 

She only cups his cheek, kissing his forehead. 

"Mother, Father shouldn't-" 

"Kaladin. What do you see when you see your father?" 

Kaladin frowns, as she pulls back and leans down a little to face him eye to eye. 

"Mother?" 

"Tell me." His mother says gently. 

Kaladin grits his jaw. "I...I see a man who doesn't acknowledge the existence of his own son. Who doesn't love the best woman in the world, the way she deserves to be loved. I see a man who cares about nothing except for plaguing the lands he goes to." He says quietly, the words quick and harsh. 

His mother sighs and she cups his face tenderly. 

"Kaladin....You see only what his life made him to be. You do not see what Dalinar Kholin is. A beautiful man who upholds honor and what he believes in." 

Kaladin blinked. Were they even talking about the same person? 

Evi smiles sadly. "I'm sorry, my little protector...I have let you grow up too quickly, haven't I? I'm so sorry, you sweet child." 

Kaladin shrugged. "I didn't grow up that quickly, Mother. At least, I don't think I've grown up that quickly." He says, holding her wrists gently. 

Evi laughs. "My little protector. Worry not, Kaladin. Things aren't as bad as they seem. You need to look for the beauty in them, struggles and glories. Now go. And remember," she rests her forehead against his. 

"_**I love you**_." She whispers.

"_**I love you, Mother." **_Kaladin whispers back, closing his eyes and relishing in the feeling of his mother, her loving presence, next to him. 

"Lad, the carriage is ready!" Teleb's voice calls out from behind them and Kaladin did not pout. 

"Goodbye, Mother." He says, letting go and waving. 

Evi's smile is beautiful, loving and sorrowful.

Little did Kaladin Kholin know, that was the last day he had seen his mother. 

He took comfort in the fact that he did not see her tears on that one day and he saw her smile. 

**Author's Note:**

> The thing Dalinar said to Evi during the spanreed thing was that she probably was being too weird and not proper enough for the other women. That she was not Alethi enough. 
> 
> Don't ask me how Kaladin knows to swear as a thirteen year old. Oh wait, you can actually, lmao. He's pretty sharp, I mean, he heard people gossiping about Lirin in canon, so I imagine Kaladin picks up a lot from the gossipy Alethi soldiers haha. 
> 
> It is one of the reasons Dalinar gaped, he was all like "why the fuck does my thirteen year old kid know how to swear and does he know he's swearing?"  
That and the guilt from the truth of Kaladin's words.


End file.
